Validation

Arguably your first experience on this planet.

Someone, doesn't matter who (your parent(s), the doc, the nurse, the midwife, or the truck driver who helped with your biological parent's untimely birth), held you in their arms and cradled you.

Gave you some sense of warmth and acceptance. Is it fair to say that that's when it all began? Is our addiction to a good ol' oxytocin hit trigged by, dare I say, some iteration of love we experienced from our wee ol' days?  Whether we admit it or not, and regardless of the timing of when it all began, being validated feels good. Receiving a compliment feels good. We're conditioned to recognize validation and compliments as very positive things; and it is incredibly easy to be addicted to such positive things. Is that so wrong?

I certainly cannot deny that i'm driven by validation. I know that warm tingly sensation very well. But what happens when our expectation for it isn't met? What happens when we're deprived of it? Well this time, instead of oxytocin or dopamine, our stress hormones kick in. That's right; all because we decided that we didn't receive the validation we "needed", or the compliment we deserved.

What we think (yep, our minds) can absolutely control our physical function, our well being.  Let's get semi-cellular for a minute: thoughts trigger neural activity, neural activity control release of hormones, hormones control organ function, organs control...well, our ability to live...so yes, negative thoughts can cause spastic behaviour!  Validation feels super wonderful until it becomes apparent that it's the primary driver for our behaviour. So, how do you know it's the primary driver? Well, you'll just feel super crappy when you don't receive it.

Does this mean we should spaz out the next time someone validates us or provides us a compliment? No, that's just silly. First, because we can't control what people say or do, and two, nobody said we need to deprive ourselves of the infamous warm tingly feeling.  But we do need to lean in.  We do need to recognize that it's our mind that controls the warm tingly feeling.  We do need to operate in a manner that serves ourselves and others without requiring that external validation because the validation that matters most is that one that comes from within (ok cheesy, but there is just no better way of saying it).

We don't need others to think that we're great because what they think should be irrelevant to how we choose to serve ourselves and serve others.  I say it again, if you have put thought into the way you want to serve yourself and others and you know that you have the best intentions, other peoples' opinions should not impact your mind...because remember our semi-cellular lesson above, your mind impacts your behaviour and ultimately your well being.

I'm not going to expect to change this over night and you shouldn't either.  But with every time you're complimented, it's worth leaning into that and asking if you already knew that about yourself.  If not, why? If you expected a compliment and didn't receive it, check in with yourself and ask why that person's compliment or thought of you matters more than what you think of yourself.  Our minds are incredibly powerful, my friends, so start changing your world now by validating from within.

Your evening coach,
Sam

Ps.  just my two cents here...but i don't think loudly telling people you are validating yourself actually means you're validating yourself (ie.  No, Sir! I don't need your validation because I already validated myself!).  Work on our cognitive well being from within really means from within (ie. your brain talking to your brain).  Why do I say this? Well, if you're loudly telling people that you're validating yourself, it's likely that you're looking for them to validate that you're validating yourself...you see where i'm going.  However! Discussing the tools and skills to validate from within with the people you choose, such as professionals, friends or family is different and in my opinion healthy; because that's development and working towards development is a good thing.