Anger

Like street signs posted along stretches of roads, anger exists and angry people exist.

But do we engage in each sign we see? We acknowledge them and act accordingly when relevant but unless we have the unfortunate experience of walking directly into the post, we generally don't quarrel with it.

And even if we, say, walk directly into the sign and decide to kick the darn thing because of the bruise to our ego or embarrassment we immediately feel, does it change anything if we scream at the sign? Does it cause the sign the apologize or put it's steel extremity on your shoulder to provide you comfort? No.

Whether you feel that someone/thing caused your anger (like the street sign), or you genuinely feel entitled to your emotional response for whatever reason, the age old saying applies - being angry or mad at someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to reap the consequences.   It does absolutely nothing to the person/thing that caused your anger (other than (a) potentially intimidate them; but if that's you're goal, well that's just not cool and it solves nothing, (b) if it's an inanimate object, then you're REALLY not doing anything to it by being angry..and let me tell you...(c) people who direct anger at you are basically inanimate objects and nothing you say to argue them out of their emotion will change their anger...so again...being angry at angry people changes nothing).

If you're angry because you decided that someone caused your anger and you decide to infect others to "get it off your shoulders", you will NEVER solve how you feel. It just puts more street signs on the road and potentially causes more road rage and traffic jams.  This is typically what happens because the majority of people just don't know how to deal with their anger. Notice how I say "decided someone caused your anger"? The key word there is "decided".  How you internalize someone's anger or the circumstance that made you angry makes all the difference.

I'll pause here to make something clear - Anger is an emotion and it's ok to feel it; how you deal with it internally and externally is what will impact your well being.  Don't ignore it - lean in to it.  If you don't deal with it internally, it will bring itself back; short term by taking space in your mind, and long term by causing anxiety.  By learning how to deal with your anger, you'll be less likely to avoid situations where anger may present itself (it's incredibly challenging to avoid angry people or circumstances that will trigger an angry emotion).

So why do we get angry with people or circumstance? Or better yet, why does someone's anger trigger any emotional response (anger, sadness, fear)?

Because it hits a nerve with something we feel about ourselves. It strikes a cord with an insecurity we have. When that anger is directed from someone we love (family, friends), it hurts us most because we believe they know us best; we get angry because deep down it shakes our fundamental sense of self. So instead of focusing/dwelling on words that were said in the heat of anger, why not ask yourself what you think about what was said? Did you do something intentional like that person claims? Or did they INTERPRET something about your words/actions. It's often because they created an interpretation of what you said or did. Remember, you have no control over what they interpreted. If that wasn't your intention or action, then you have to trust that that's something for other person to deal with and isn't anything to do with you. Focus your energy on addressing the cords of your insecurities so the next time you walk into a street sign, you can dust yourself off and keep on truckin' along.

Your Evening Coach