It's not easy but it's worth it.
I have spent a lot of time lately
trying to understand the desire for external validation. The focus of this blog is specifically on the people-pleasing personality types who are met with inner turmoil rather than the expected validation they seek. I certainly have this tendency. What I find challenging is conceptualizing the obstacles that appear in my way while i’m ultimately trying to make everyone else’s life better…(but wait…am I trying to make everyone else feel better or am I trying to make MYSELF feel better? We’ll get into that a little later..). So yes, I sometimes feel dumbfounded by how obstacles make their way to me in the first place (shouldn't obstacles be stationary...?!). But thinking of my problems this way is exactly the problem. One of my favourite quotes is from Earl Nightingale who has said that the greatest problem with human kind is that we believe we shouldn’t have any at all.
Yet, similar to others, sometimes it feels like some obstacle just navigate through their own problemato-sphere and park their rear-parkas in front of me. And sometimes it feels like these obstacles come out of the blue; like when a conversation is going perfectly and then it suddenly isn't anymore. When, instead of taking responsibility for my reactions, I point the blame on others…believing that someone else has placed their feelings or their constructs of "what should be" (whether discretely or obviously) on to me.
Why would I get into this cycle of blame? Well, it’s my mind and body rebelling against my desire to take on a "people pleasing" role. People pleasing appears easy and feels easy for people pleasers. People tell you what they want --> you do it for them --> they become happy --> and you get a dopamine hit from a job well done! All this (at times) results in happiness. Easy, right? Well when this doesn't work out, it can be pretty destructive. Suddenly you can't fulfill someones desire and the toxic negative self talk takes you on a spiralling descend and basically consumes every cell of your body. Nobody should live like that. Nobody should feel like that.
So, I've spent a lot of time 1) trying to understand why we do this (well, the dopamine hit is an obvious reason) 2) trying to figure out how to stop doing this.
Seeking the "why" behind your actions is so uncomfortable but it will set you on the right path to understanding your worth. We do not stop and ask ourselves "why"? I mean, a genuine soul seeking why. We don't do this because it's not easy; because we may wake up and find ourselves not having an answer for days on end. Frankly, that can feel enormously exhausting. But let me tell you this, the answer may not come immediately, but everyday you will get a little bit closer; eventually, that discomfort will present itself as growth the next time you're in an uncomfortable situation (or maybe just a situation period; not all situations that require handling are uncomfortable).
I do want to caution (especially in this climate of marketing messages and the social media flare that has been driving ideals of self discovery) we need to OWN our feelings. I say this to come full circle to where this post started. The slight misinterpretation that accountability is unnecessary is common. The idea that when someone annoys you or isn't doing what you want them to do, you should just tell them or make them realize that they should take on what you perceive to be their mis-action. Focus on YOUR actions and YOUR reactions. When you believe so strongly in something, and you handle it with your self-driven motive, people will watch and will follow. People observe better than they listen. So be a good role model; be kind; and most importantly, don't judge your worth by peoples tantrums.
From my couch to yours,
Sam